My name is Dale Crowe and I’m 43 yrs old and I’m finishing off the end of a 20 year prison sentence. Prison has been metaphorical for me in many ways. I’ve discovered that I NEEDED to ‘Go WITHIN’ to find out who I was in this world. So I’ve devoted ALL of ‘my time’ to peeling away the layers and layers of identifications I stacked upon myself.
As it turns out, who I ‘thought’ I was, wasn’t who I was at all. I saw clearly that who I thought I was, was something I had built or put together over the years so i could feel safe, accepted, and loved. I desired to get attention, respect recognition, and above all, I wanted to be admired. I did all this in hopes that I’d never have to ‘feel’ those emotions of rejection, insecurity, low self worth, or fear, growing up.
My solution was to build an image that everyone would accept. ‘The boxer’ was the best construct that I felt could meet all of my expectations. As I went along, I enhanced my mask to ‘look the part’.
I covered myself in tattooes so I could ‘appear’ tough, I did alot of steroids so I could ‘appear’ big and intimidating, I even shaved my head and grew a goat tee so I could ‘look’ tough or ‘appear’ mean. Sadly, I learned that ALL of this was part of a facade.
When I failed to measure up to the role that I portrayed, I panicked and I chose to set up, rob, and take the life of one of my best friends. This addiction to my image drove me to do all of this in hopes to perpetuate my lie just a little while longer. I never forsaw the guilt, shame, or anger I’d later FEEL from my actions.
Over the years, I’ve discovered that there was no lasting happiness to be found in this world. I’ve been all over the world, met some truly amazing people, had great experiences, still nothing could fill that hole I felt from within.
It wasn’t until my outer Purpose collapsed that my inner purpose began to fill this hole. The root of my problems was not only my sense of separation, but my need for Forgiveness. Not so much from ‘others’ but from MYSELF. Because of this realization, I was drawn to The Course of Miracles and I’ve been blessed to have met the mighty companions I have along the way.
Fortunately I have a definitive outdate that is quickly approaching, but I’ve also had to let go of future outcomes in prison. It’s easy to fall into the stress or worry over ‘What will I do once I’m out?’ ‘Where will I live?’ ‘Who will I work for?’ It’s unthinkable in prison to say to your case manager that you’ve ‘let go and Trust that Spirit will provide.’ And yet this is where I’ve found myself. At ease with a flow of contentment until my river ends or merges with the next experience to come.
Thank you….
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